The Affect Effect
by frazthealien
Summary: The gang attempt to hook Sheldon up with a nice girl he meets at a convention and things don’t quite work out as they planned. In other words, an epic love story. Sheldon/Leonard.
1. The Convention Convention

**The Affect Effect**

Characters/Pairings: All main characters; sort of Sheldon/OFC, eventual Sheldon/Leonard, possibly others if you squint or look at it upside-down (latter not recommended).  
Warnings: Mild sex references, mild language, strong graphic geekery.  
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine and nor are the many things I reference.  
A/N: I don't usually read or write OC pairings but as I don't ship anyone in the BBT it seemed the only thing to do… then the whole thing was hijacked by my inner slash fan. Oh well.

-o-

**1. The Convention Convention**

Howard surveyed the crowd and smiled to himself as a couple of scantily-clad superheroes walked past. "Ah, conventions, how I love thee… The perfect excuse for nerdy women to walk about partially naked in a socially acceptable fashion." He was sidetracked from his deep philosophical thoughts by Raj tugging on his sleeve.

Unfortunately, due to the presence of so many women, Raj had practically been rendered mute for almost three days straight. Howard had got used to speaking for him, though there had been a few unfortunate misinterpretations of his rudimentary sign language. Raj tried to whisper something in Howard's ear but there was too much noise, so instead resorted to making slightly ridiculous hand gestures.

"Hey, I think he sees someone he knows. Come on." Howard looked at the others. "We'll be back before you can say Raxacoricofallipatorius."

"Raxacoricofallipatorius," came the immediate reply.

"Okay, so that works better on people who aren't Sheldon," said Howard, as he and Raj disappeared into the crowd.

Sheldon was about to make a disparaging remark on Howard's underdeveloped sense of the passage of time, when he was distracted by the sight of Leslie Winkle fast approaching them in a Wonderwoman outfit.

"Hey, Leslie!"

"Hey, Leonard."

"Nice costume."

"You too. I thought you were going to be Cthulhu this year?"

"The tentacles wouldn't cooperate."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Ah, I see you're here with he of the superfluous dimensions."

Sheldon broke his self-imposed silence to respond. "I will have you know, every one of those dimensions is entirely necessary! Without them my theories would crumble."

"Yeah, and that would be such a pity with all that weight of empirical evidence behind them," said Leslie, her sarcasm turned up to eleven.

"Look guys, stop it." Leonard pushed his way between them. "We're here to have fun, not bicker about superstrings."

"But-"

"Later, Sheldon. We only have one day left and then you can argue to your heart's content. Preferably when I'm not in the room. Just play nice, okay?"

Sheldon reluctantly gave in. He cast an eye over Leslie's costume. "Hm. Unoriginal though your outfit is, it is moderately well-constructed."

"Er, thanks. Who the hell are you meant to be?"

"Well, you know that Starbuck in the reimagined Battlestar is female, though the original character was male?"

"Yeah…"

"I decided that in order to have my own, unique outfit I would be River from the reimagined version of Firefly in the 2040s, when any faint suggestion of gender roles has become so abhorrent to society at large that the idea of a young woman being so dependent on her brother is no longer appropriate, thus forcing the new creators to write the character as male."

"Right. I should have guessed."

"Indeed you should have, but no matter. Of course, should Joss Whedon not live to see the new adaptation he'll be turning in his grave, but that will be mostly owing to the watered-down dialogue due to the insane political correctness legislation in the future, not to mention the mediocre overarching plotline, rather than any gender-swapping issues. It'll be lucky if it even makes it as many episodes as the original."

"Sure. You know, I think I'll catch up with you guys later." Leslie smiled at Leonard and walked off.

"Goodbye, Leslie," called Sheldon. "I hope you don't trip over on that unimaginative cape of yours."

Leonard sighed. "I don't understand why you and Leslie can't just put aside your differences and get along."

"Oh, Leonard. Every hero needs his arch-nemesis. Leslie is the Master to my Doctor, the Emperor Ming to my Flash Gordon, the Dr Horrible to my Captain Hammer. Our conflict pushes me to become stronger. It is only through her defeat that I shall gain true victory."

"You know, I think you have Dr Horrible and Captain Hammer the wrong way round there."

"But Captain Hammer is depicted as the traditional superhero, even though the viewer's sympathies are directed heavily towards-"

"Oh, look at my wrist; it's time to go to that panel. Come on, Sheldon."

"I hadn't finished my sentence."

"I know."

"Raj and Wolowitz-"

"They'll catch up. We need to get good seats."

"Ah, at last you are catering to my needs."

"Only to avoid an interminable discussion of internet musical protagonists."

-o-

"Just pick a seat, Sheldon."

"Hm. The ideal seat appears to be taken."

"Well, then, go sit in the second-best one," said Leonard.

"You should know well by now that I rarely settle for second-best." Sheldon went up to the girl who was in his ideal seat.

"Excuse me, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind moving? It's just I rather had my eye on this seat."

"I'm sorry, but I can't." Sheldon's eyes grew exponentially wider.

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Come on Sheldon, just find another place to sit."

"Why exactly could you not move to another seat?" Sheldon asked, his voice becoming more and more high-pitched. "There are plenty around almost the same as this one."

The girl sighed. "This seat is far forward enough that I can see the panellists without possible eyestrain yet far back enough that I don't have to crane my neck. Due to the positioning of the speakers around the hall said panellists will be audible while not deafening. Furthermore, if they're projecting preview clips on the screen, sitting here will avoid any parallax issues. _That_ is why I cannot move from this seat." She smiled at him. "Any questions?"

Sheldon pouted. "No. I understand perfectly." They sat next to her and he quietly sulked.

"Who's your outfit of?" the girl asked politely.

Sheldon didn't reply.

"Answer the nice girl's question," whispered Leonard.

"I'm River from the 2040s Firefly remake," replied Sheldon, still looking forwards.

"Where they've made her a guy?"

"You _are_ quick on the uptake," said Sheldon.

She gave him an odd look. They sat in silence for a few moments, before she got up, leaving her coat on the seat. Sheldon stared at the offending garment.

"Don't even think about it," said Leonard. "She's as weirdly picky as you are. She'll notice if we all move up one." Sheldon continued to stare at her coat as if it had insulted him personally. "I'm surprised you two didn't get along better. She even seemed to understand your wacky outfit choice."

"It's not that strange. It's quite obvious who I am."

"To you, maybe. I didn't know who you were till you explained to Leslie."

"But you told me I looked great!"

"Well I thought you were some obscure superhero or something."

Sheldon briefly refrained from glaring at the coat in order to glare at Leonard. "If you recall, my original plan was to be Mothman but _someone_ said that would be 'impractical'."

"You wouldn't have been able to sit down properly!" said Leonard, indignant.

"You could have said something before I'd painstakingly fashioned my wings."

Leonard sighed. "Anyway, you could at least be civil to that poor girl, given how she may be the only person in the world who understands you."

"Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis?"

"She shares your weird obsessions…"

"That's quite an extrapolation you've made. The evidence so far only shows-"

"I was under the impression you weren't such a stickler for empiricism," said Leonard, exasperated.

Sheldon gaped at him. "You've been letting that harpy of loop quantum gravity bend your ear again!"

"Look, Sheldon- Oh, sorry," he said as the girl tried to squeeze back past him, this time with a man who sat next to her.

"Leonard!" He turned to see Raj and Howard ambling over towards them. He was surprised when Howard warmly greeted the man who had just sat down. "You guys know each other?"

"Yeah, this is Wendell from Chemistry," said Howard.

The man introduced himself as Dr Calvin, and his friend as Lisa Thomson. "She's a grad student at Caltech."

Lisa nodded. "Astrophysics."

"Well, we might see you around, then," said Leonard. He nudged Sheldon, who was still ignoring everyone.

"I wasn't asleep. There was no need to poke me."

Leonard gave up and started to exchange pleasantries with their new acquaintances before the panel started and Sheldon finally perked up.

-o-

A/N: I am on Leslie's side. Just so you know.

-o-


	2. The Approbation Approximation

**2. The Approbation Approximation**

After the panel they began to discuss where to eat that evening.

"There's a restaurant just five minutes round the corner."

"The Indian restaurant?" asked Leonard.

"No, the restaurant at the end of the universe," said Sheldon. "Yes, of course the Indian one. One would have thought that by now you would be familiar with the days of the week."

"Well," considered Leonard, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

"Ha! Out-referenced!" said Howard.

Sheldon was about to state that there was a severe case of SEP with regards to Leonard's inability to tell what day it was, but was once again distracted by Leslie Winkle walking past.

"Hey, Leslie."

"Hello again, Leonard." She turned to Sheldon. "Hello again, Leonard's background-independently challenged friend."

"We were just going to have dinner – you want to join us?" asked Leonard, ignoring the death stares from Sheldon.

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't think Sheldon could handle it. I'll see you guys around tomorrow, I guess."

"You can stop with the dagger eyes now," said Leonard as she left. "Hey, Howard, there's your friend Wendell – maybe we should invite him."

"Why are you so determined to invite everyone and his dog to dinner with us?" asked Howard.

Leonard shrugged. "I'm just being sociable. Besides, the more of us there are in ridiculous costumes the more justified I feel wearing one."

"You have a point. Hey, Wendy…"

-o-

Sheldon somehow found himself sandwiched between Lisa and Wendell at the table. Though the former was somewhat interesting, despite her chair-stealing iniquities, the latter was decidedly not.

Leonard excused himself to go the bathroom and Sheldon hurriedly scuttled after him.

"Leonard?"

"Did you follow me?"

"Yes. I don't suppose you happen to have a meat tenderiser on you?"

"What?"

"So that I can beat my tongue wafer-thin with it to distract me from the tedium of Dr Calvin's subject of choice."

Leonard sighed. "What do you have against organic chemists anyway?"

"Why should I have anything against them?"

_A 10-year-old Sheldon sat pouting on the floor. "I want to go play with my oscilloscope."_

"_Not till you've learnt all of these reactions, Shelly."_

"_I don't want to be a chemist."_

"_You still need to know them. How do you change an alcohol to… an alkene?"_

"_Concentrated sulphuric acid, heat under reflux and the reaction type is elimination. Can I go now?"_

"_No, we have to go through all of these. Don't worry, only twenty left…"_

_Sheldon threw a tantrum. It was completely ineffective._

Sheldon grimaced at the unexpected flashback.

"I'm just saying, you seem kinda hostile…"

"Don't be ridiculous, Leonard," he said, twitching.

"Well at least try to be nice to him. It's only for the rest of dinner."

"I believe social protocol dictates that I acknowledge his presence in the future, especially if I wish to talk to his friend Lisa again. At least she has some notable perspectives on current research, unlike Calvin, whose idea of new and exciting discoveries would have bored Lavoisier to tears."

-o-

Back home, a few days later, Sheldon was still complaining about Wendell.

"He is not an _annoyance_, he is completely insufferable!"

"Well, he's not a physicist, which probably explains his ignorance of electromagnetism."

"I'm no organic chemist, but I know my way around an HPLC or a synthetic route. He asked me what the right-hand grip rule was!"

"I thought that was _all_ you guys knew about," said Penny.

"What?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I believe, Leonard, that Penny, otherwise unable to contribute to the conversation, is reduced to making crude jokes about onanism." He turned to Penny. "The right-hand grip rule is a method by which one can determine the direction of the magnetic field around a current-carrying wire, as any educated person should well know."

She nodded. "Yeah, I use that at the Cheesecake Factory all the time. It's invaluable."

Sheldon ignored her. "He thinks he's a sci-fi fan because he caught some reruns of Star Trek and owns the Phantom Menace DVD. He thinks the LHC could have destroyed the world." He glared into middle distance. "I bet he thinks we only use ten percent of our brains."

"Is that not true?" asked Penny.

Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her. "Well, maybe some of us do."

-o-

A/N: There is no way the LHC at CERN could have destroyed the world and I'm still annoyed about this (the hype, not the fact that we're all alive). I'm also annoyed about synthetic chemistry, but you probably guessed that.

-o-


	3. The Postdoctorate Postulate

**3. The Postdoctorate Postulate**

Leonard had finished his lunch and was practising stabbing the spoon between his splayed fingers as quickly as possible. He would move on to knives when he stopped hitting himself every few seconds. Lisa and Sheldon were having a conversation next to him and largely ignoring him.

"Obviously on occasion shouting is warranted, but I feel that if one merely wishes to place dramatic emphasis on a word or phrase, it would be much easier on the speaker's throat, not to mention everybody's eardrums, if one would simply say 'factorial' after the supposedly stressed expression."

Sheldon considered Lisa's suggestion. "But then what would we say if we wanted to express a factorial?"

"Then…" Lisa considered. "Then I guess we would have to yell."

Sheldon giggled disconcertingly. "You know, in my head I always shout out factorials."

"Me too!" said Lisa, and they smiled at each other.

"I thought everyone did that?" said Leonard, who had been quiet until now. The others looked at him as if they hadn't realised he was there. "Okay, butting out now," he said, getting up to put his lunch tray away and rolling his eyes as he did so.

"As if mathematicians haven't been doing that since the 1800s," he muttered maliciously under his breath.

-o-

"You know, I think I've worked it out," said Leonard the next week.

"What? That's impossible!" said Raj. "You've barely had three minutes and these puzzles are migraine-inducing. I know from first-hand experience."

"Not the puzzle. Sheldon. I think I know why Sheldon hates Wendell Calvin so much."

"Because he's a bore?" suggested Raj.

"Hey, he's my friend!" said Howard. "Well, acquaintance. And yeah, he could probably be a bit less dull-"

"No, guys, it's because of Lisa. I think Sheldon has a thing for her."

"Sheldon? Our Sheldon? Sheldon who would fail the Turing test Sheldon?" asked Howard.

"The more you say Sheldon the less it sounds like a real name. And yes, I think so. I mean, yesterday we were talking to her and he even forgot to correct her when she misused the present subjunctive."

Raj considered. "Even I hate it when people do that."

"Exactly."

"Well," said Howard, "that's awfully sweet, but still, it's Sheldon. He has the social grace of a bent teaspoon."

Raj frowned. "Is that more or less than a normal teaspoon?"

"Not the point," said Leonard. "If she can reduce his… Sheldon-ness then maybe this is not such a bad thing."

"I thought we decided that Sheldon reproduced asexually?" said Howard.

"Well, maybe he indulges in meiosis depending on the availability of resources," said Leonard. "Like an aphid."

"Like a female aphid, in fact," said Raj, "but I see what you mean."

-o-

There was an opening for a place on a joint project between the Astronomy and Theoretical Physics departments. Leonard, Howard and Raj were discussing the possible merits of sending Raj to give Lisa some hints on buttering up her potential supervisor before her meeting with him.

"If we want her to warm to Sheldon, do we really want to send one of his friends to her, drunk, to explain how to get an unfair advantage?"

"I know _I_ would appreciate an unfair advantage," said Howard.

"Yes," said Leonard, "but maybe she has principles."

"Not when it comes to getting a position on such an important project."

"But Raj will still have to be drunk to talk to her."

"Not drunk," said Raj, "just slightly tipsy. Anyway, what about Zahavi's handicap principle? She'll be impressed at Sheldon's ability to get so far in life with such ridiculous friends holding him back. Really, we should act as stupidly as we can around her… and if possible get Sheldon to grow a cumbersome morphological feature."

"I thought that theory was widely discredited?" said Howard. "Otherwise, if you consider my peanut allergy, my less-than-ideal living arrangements and my crippling phobia of butternut squash and ukeleles, my handicaps should be enough that the women would come running. Not that they don't…" he hastily added.

"Recently there's been elevated support. However, I don't think it could be extended to this situation." Leonard shrugged. "I'll go instead of Raj."

"But why would you be offering hints to her? It's not your department; she'll suspect something. It only makes sense for me to go." Raj smiled widely. "I'll just have a small amount of alcohol, don't worry."

-o-

"Lisa, hey hey, Lisa!"

She turned to see Raj walking in a slightly non-linear fashion towards her. "Um, do I know you?"

He grinned and offered his hand. "Dr Raj Koothrappali. From the convention?"

Lisa took it gingerly. "Oh. You were Destiny, right?"

"That was me." He smiled even more widely. "I understand you are having a little… rendezvous with Dr Cohen?"

"Well… yes."

"I just wanted to give you some helpful hints, you know, to ease the process." He winked conspiratorially.

Lisa was becoming visibly uncomfortable. "Um, I'm all right, thanks."

"No, no, it's no trouble. Just remember, wait until he asks you to sit before you sit. And if you see a napkin, don't call it a serviette; he really hates that."

"Why would there be a napkin?"

"I'm just covering aaaall the bases. Ooh, that fourth shot just hit me."

"What?"

"Nothing. Also, don't use the word moist. Or moisture. Or moisturiser… or oyster."

"Okay…"

"Or… _hoist_" he enunciated carefully.

"Sure." She edged away. "Well, it was nice meeting you again, Raj…"

"Please," he said as he staggered off in the direction of the bathroom, nearly walking into a wall in the process, "call me Raj."

-o-

Howard later informed them that Lisa had in fact got the position. Raj grinned and told them it was all down to his carefully planned advice.

-o-

A/N: It's not just me, right? Other people go _(n-1)!_ loudly in their heads, don't they?

-o-


	4. The Prepossession Proposition

**4. The Prepossession Proposition**

"Leonard? Leonard?"

He sighed, knowing that tone of voice all too well. "Yes, Sheldon?"

"There is something important I wish to discuss with you."

"Er, can it wait? I'm kind of busy… I have to finish reading over this paper before tomorrow and it's pretty heavy going."

Sheldon peered over his shoulder at the computer screen. "That's not right." He pointed.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Well, the squark is a boojum, you see."

Leonard stared at him. "What? That makes no sense! No it isn't!"

"No, it isn't," replied Sheldon, smiling wryly, "but I've always wanted to say that."

-o-

"I'm busy," said Raj.

"Doing what?"

Raj spun round in his chair like a Bond villain, complete with a smug smile. "I found videos on the internet of a cuttlefish eating an octopus and an octopus beating a shark in a fight. If I can just find one of a shark eating a cuttlefish I think we have a new version of Rock-Paper-Scissors on our hands."

"The small number of possible combinations means it would still be inferior to Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, though," said Sheldon. "What would be the point?"

"Fine, to up the number I need videos of a shark beating an alligator, an alligator eating a mermaid, and a mermaid beating the crap out of a cuttlefish." He scratched his head. "Well, and five more, actually."

"Now that's just ridiculous."

"You don't say."

Sheldon frowned at him. " I certainly do. If the shark and alligator did start some sort of confrontation, the alligator would surely triumph. A shark bite has a force of approximately 1000N at the most, whereas an alligator could possibly exert over 7000N worth. It would appear to be no contest."

"Yes," said Raj, "_that_ is the problem with Octopus-Shark-Alligator-Mermaid-Cuttlefish, right there."

Sheldon smiled. "I'm glad you agree. But you clearly need to put some more thought into your extremely derivative game of mostly chance, so I shan't bother you any longer."

-o-

"I'm busy right now," said Howard, through a crack in the door. "I have a date tonight."

"Really?" asked Sheldon. A few moments later: "Are you sure?"

Howard glared at him.

"All right," said Sheldon, eyeing the box set by the TV. "I'll leave you and Carrie-Anne in peace."

-o-

Knock knock knock. "Penny!" Knock knock knock. "Penny!" Knock knock-

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Ah, Penny. I have a matter I wish to discuss with you. Well, not specifically with you, but as all my regular acquaintances appear to be otherwise occupied, I am left with no choice-"

"Okay, okay, what is it?"

Sheldon blinked at her. "Might we go inside? I am given to understand that by any usual social convention, private matters are not discussed in hallways."

"Doesn't usually stop you," muttered Penny, but gestured him inside. They sat down.

Sheldon shifted uncomfortably and began.

"Well, I am sure you are aware that recently a large amount of my attention has been diverted away from more productive aims and towards following others in what I would usually deem the useless social practice of 'getting to know' people, specifically a certain charming astrophysicist in my current research group."

Penny blinked.

"Though ordinarily I would brush off any enjoyment of Lisa's company as ephemeral and not overall beneficial, the effects appear less transient in nature than I had first suspe-"

"Sheldon."

"I hadn't finished."

"Are you trying to tell me that you like her?"

"Not exactly. While I have a certain fondness for toffee apples or powerful lasers I have never-"

"Okay, then, you _like her _like her." Penny smiled. "That's really cute."

"Cute? I pour out my feelings to you and you deem them _cute_? This is not a trivial matter, Penny. I require your assistance."

"…ah."

"As you appear to have more than the usual amount of experience in courtship and mating matters-"

"Sheldon!"

"What? If anything that is a compliment of your potential reproductive success, the quality towards which almost every organism unconsciously strives. I was just thinking that you could give me some advice, perhaps in combination with Leonard when he is not otherwise engaged."

Penny considered. "Well, you could start by saying something like… she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. She'll like that."

"But that's not true. While she is slightly more attractive than average, it would be factually incorrect to assert that she's objectively the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

"Don't tell her that."

"You know I can't lie, Penny; she'll see right through me. Fascinating fact, though – research has shown that humans find a face composed of several averaged faces to be very attractive, so if we were to be accurate, 'average-looking' would actually be a compliment." Sheldon looked pleased with himself.

"Your definition of 'fascinating' keeps on fascinating me." Penny patted Sheldon's arm. "Don't worry, though, I'm sure we can… work something out. Maybe you and Leonard can put on your Mensa hats and approach this- okay, that would be a bad idea… What?" she asked as Sheldon looked at her, disgusted.

"Our "Mensa hats"? As if my IQ weren't already more than three standard deviations above that required for membership?"

"Um, sorry… Anyway, we should go talk to Leonard and, you know, come up with some way of making you…" She waved her hands about.

"Less socially awkward?" supplied Sheldon, with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I wasn't going to say it out loud…"

"You'll have to wait. Leonard's busy with boojums."

"I hope that's nothing dirty."

"Oh, Penny. Sometimes I fear for the future of humankind… but then I remember that it includes me, and my hope is swiftly replenished."

-o-

A/N: If anyone appreciated the squark/boojum joke, they win at life for ever and a day. Also, the videos Raj refers to in the first instance do actually exist. Me? Waste time on the internet? Never.

-o-


	5. The Pentameter Parameter

**5. The Pentameter Parameter**

Fortunately, Leonard had finished with his boojuming, and they hashed out a plan.

Leonard handed Sheldon the paper with the detailed stages on. "It seems like a good way to quickly and painlessly get it over with."

"Your plan is so nearly bordering on ingenious that I shall for this once casually overlook your split infinitive."

Leonard ignored him. "So, here's your earpiece and we'll have the microphone, so Penny and I can help you out when…"

"When I inevitably make some small social faux pas?"

"Well…" Leonard shrugged. "I wasn't going to say _that_… If we just stick to the stages we've described, it should go perfectly well."

Unfortunately, Leonard had not taken dramatic irony into account.

-o-

Penny leant over to speak into the microphone. "Tell her you like what she's wearing today."

"I like what you're wearing today," said Sheldon.

"Thanks," they heard Lisa saying. "We just got these lab coats yesterday."

"Well done, Penny," whispered Leonard, annoyed. "Sheldon, instigate stage 2."

"I would like to speak to you about a matter of some importance."

"All right, just give me a second…" said Lisa.

"Now, Sheldon, remember what we talked about," said Leonard.

"Did ye see so fair a creature in your town before?"

"I'm sorry?" said Lisa.

"What?" said Penny.

Sheldon continued. "So sweet, so lovely, so mild as she, adorned with beauty's grace and virtue's store?"

Leonard and Penny gaped at each other as he kept reciting. "Oh dear," said Leonard. "When he's nervous he tends to fall back on what he knows. In this case, what he knows seems to amount to classic poetry."

"…But if ye saw that which no eyes can see, the inward beauty of her lively sprite…"

"You never know," said Leonard, "it might work."

"…there dwells sweet love and constant chastity." There was a pause.

"Is that all he knows?" asked Penny.

"That was beautiful," they heard Lisa say, though she sounded extremely confused.

"Oh, none but gods have power their love to hide, affection by the countenance is descried…"

"He's moved on to Marlowe," said Leonard.

"…and love that is concealed betrays poor lovers."

Lisa's voice was full of concern. "Sheldon? Are you all right? You're shaking…"

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun," squeaked Sheldon. "Coral is far more red than her lips' red…"

"That's not good," said Penny. "Sheldon, stop!"

Sheldon did stop, but only for a moment. "I scarce believe my love to be so pure as I had thought it was…"

"The Shakespeare would have been better if you'd let him get to the end." Leonard furrowed his brow in thought. "You know, I think he's moving chronologically."

"That really doesn't improve things!"

"Well, no… but at some point he'll run out of poetry."

"…if spring make it more."

"Sheldon!" Leonard spoke loudly. "Sheldon! Snap out of it! Stage 3, Sheldon!"

There was silence on the other end.

"Is silence good?" asked Penny.

"Depends what it is we can't hear."

Eventually Lisa spoke. "Well, that was… lovely, Sheldon. Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"Well…" Sheldon's voice was unsteady. "The central themes held parallels with the concept I wished to impart."

"Oh…" said Lisa, and then "_Oh_."

Leonard had heard _that_ kind of 'oh' enough times to recognise it. "Abort mission, Sheldon, abort!" Leonard squinted at the microphone. "I think he's turned the earpiece off. Damn it, Sheldon."

"We can still hear him, though," added Penny unhelpfully.

Leonard shook his head. "There's nothing we can do to help him now. He's on his own."

-o-

The next day, Leonard was patiently explaining to Howard and Raj why Sheldon adamantly refused to come out of his bedroom, even for a Star Trek marathon.

"…then he tried to describe his increasing attraction to her using the analogy of Newton's law of gravitation, where it was proportional to their mutual compatibility, as the gravitational constant, and the inverse square of the time before today. I don't remember what the individual masses were represented by, but I think he lost her when he got onto the relativity part."

"I guess it didn't work?" asked Howard. "Which is a pity. I could have used that line."

"It was more of a thesis than a line. Anyway, she told him he was very sweet, but she already had a boyfriend."

"Really?" asked Raj. "It's not…"

"Yes."

"Oh God."

"Poor Sheldon," said Raj, "but is he ever going to come out of there? We need him for paintball tomorrow. We lose enough times without being one man down."

"I think he just needs some time alone," said Leonard.

"He's had hours to be alone," muttered Raj.

Penny came into the apartment with a large tin. "Is he all right?"

Leonard shook his head. "If he knew who Joy Division were, he'd be listening to them."

"I brought him some cookies."

Howard frowned. "You broke Sheldon and you think you can fix him with baked goods?"

"They're really good cookies. I didn't make them myself, don't worry. Anyway, _I_ broke Sheldon?"

"You know," said Leonard, "Penny has a point. Really, we _all_ broke Sheldon."

"Now, let's not stand around groaning under the weight of our collective responsibility for Sheldon's inevitable social demise," said Howard. "The important thing is, what are we going to do about it?"

Raj gestured at the cookie tin.

"How would we get them to him?" asked Leonard. "He's locked the door and won't let anyone in."

Penny went and rapped loudly on Sheldon's door.

Knock knock knock. "Sheldon!" Knock knock knock. "Shelly!" Knock knock knock. "Moonpie?"

"These aren't the droids you're looking for!" came the reply.

Penny sighed. "Come on, you can't stay in there for ever!" Knock knock knock. "Come to this side, we have cookies!"

Sheldon responded weakly after a moment. "What kind of cookies?"

"Chocolate chip. Come on, let us in!"

"Just Leonard," he said. "With cookies."

Penny sighed and stepped back. Leonard walked over, turning to face them.

"If I should die, think only this of me… that there's some corner of Sheldon's room that's slightly less than insane."

Sheldon opened the door long enough for Leonard to step inside.

Penny turned to the others. "You know, I really have no idea what Leonard's talking about a lot of the time."

Raj shrugged.

"Neither do we," said Howard.

-o-

"Dark Angel?" Leonard frowned at the paused screen. "Really?"

Sheldon had sat back down on the bed, sulking and clutching his open laptop. He shrugged. "Jessica Alba's acting abilities show that one can be successful despite many failings. In any case, the premise, while not-"

"Okay, okay, not the point," said Leonard, before becoming distracted again. "Did you take down your Flash poster?"

"It was inaccurate. You know, if the Flash were running towards you at only, say, a quarter of the speed of light, his costume would actually appear blue-green rather than red. He was clearly depicted running towards the observer at high speed, which for Flash would easily be even half the speed of light."

"I don't think the artist thought of that."

"It shows. Once I'd realised that he hadn't taken blue shift into account, I could hardly bear to look at the poster any more."

"Huh. Anyway, Sheldon, you have to come out soon."

"No I don't."

"Come on. I'm sorry I encouraged you with the Lisa thing, but I didn't know."

Sheldon sniffed. "You only thought we would be good for each other because we had similar ideas about seating arrangements."

"No I didn't… well, all right." Leonard sat down next to him. "I'll remember not to judge people on first OCD next time. I really am sorry."

Sheldon narrowed his eyes at him. "This is all your doing, isn't it?"

Leonard looked at him guiltily. "Maybe…"

"You can make up for it, then."

"I brought cookies." He offered the tin.

"Correction, Penny brought cookies. You merely transported them into the room. You can sing me a song."

"A so- I'm not singing that, Sheldon."

"All your doing…" repeated Sheldon as he curled up and rested his head on Leonard's shoulder.

Leonard sighed and patted Sheldon's head. He reluctantly began to sing.

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…"

-o-

A/N: No offence to Dark Angel fans, but I could barely suffer through Jessica's "acting" even for Jensen Ackles' pretty, pretty face.

-o-


	6. The Wearable Variable

**6. The Wearable Variable**

Leonard felt so guilty about Sheldon's plight that over the next few days he afforded his every whim and obsession. Sheldon for his part just wandered about with mournful eyes, sighing and occasionally hugging Leonard – due to the frequency of the unexpected friendliness it was becoming a little less disconcerting to suddenly find Sheldon's arms awkwardly strewn about him.

On this particular day, Sheldon was having one of his unhelpful cravings.

"Sheldon wants some doughnuts," Leonard explained to Penny.

Sheldon nodded vigorously. "Those chocolate ones with the sprinkles and-"

"Yeah, I know the ones," said Penny. "I need to go to the library first, and the grocer's, then the bank, then I need to go to the mall to return a sweater, but I guess I could pick them up for you after that."

"Are you going in that order?" asked Sheldon. "That can't be the most efficient way of doing it."

Penny shrugged. "It's good enough for me."

"It's a classic travelling salesman problem! If you give me five minutes and a pen I could carry out a simple algorithm to find the shortest route, thereby saving both time and gas money, not to mention the environment."

"Sheldon?"

"Yes, Penny?"

"Don't bother." She left, leaving Sheldon looking slightly put out.

"You're going to do it anyway, aren't you?" asked Leonard.

"You never know when it might come in useful." Sheldon started scribbling down his solution. "I'll need a scale map of the area. Wait, no, the times in minutes are what we really need, and I already know those."

-o-

Penny came back to find Sheldon sulking yet again. She frowned and handed Leonard the doughnut box.

"He's annoyed because I wouldn't buy him the umbrella that looks like a samurai sword," he whispered.

"Or the Toaster toaster!" piped up Sheldon. "Don't think I can't hear your stage whispers, Leonard!"

Leonard sighed. "Or the Battlestar toaster."

"What?"

"It's really not worth me explaining." He turned to Sheldon. "Look, I already ordered that novelty T-shirt for you."

"Yes, but it's my birthday tomorrow."

"Exactly, it's for your birthday." He smiled at Penny. "It has an imaginary number and a pi symbol, and the imaginary number says 'Be rational' and the pi says 'Get real'!"

Both he and Sheldon dissolved into fits of laughter. Penny stared blankly.

"Oh, Penny," said Sheldon, "I've worked out the shortest route for you, for future reference." He handed her his working. "It seems you weren't far wrong, but actually the route you chose was the third most efficient. I'm sorry."

Penny looked at the paper. "Er… thanks. I think I'll leave you to your doughnuts now."

Sheldon smiled as she left the apartment. "I wonder if she'll notice the little joke I put by the initial node?"

"Signs point to no."

-o-

On Sheldon's birthday he and Leonard sat in the cafeteria, Sheldon merrily chomping on his for once low-fibre lunch and smiling at Leonard, an "It's my birthday!" badge pinned to his new t-shirt in just the right place for maximum visibility without obscuring the amusing speech bubbles.

Kripke wandered over and wished Sheldon a happy birthday.

"Why, thank you," said Sheldon, smiling.

Leonard stared at him across the table as Kripke left. "You're being amicable towards each other? This _is_ a new development."

"Well, compared to Wendell he is starting to look like the Messiah." Sheldon paused to give a forlorn, despondent look, then grinned. "In any case, earlier this week I implied that his mother was so overweight that to approach her would cause a significant time dilation effect; he still hasn't managed to summon a worthy comeback. I believe he is sufficiently mortified."

"I think this is a sign that we're spending too much time together, but good on you, Sheldon."

-o-

A/N: Yes, you can purchase both a samurai sword umbrella and a Toaster toaster. You may well be able to get that novelty t-shirt too. And if I were Kripke, I would have countered that Sheldon's momma so fat she has her own information paradox. Boo-yah.

-o-


	7. The Delectation Derivation

**7. The Delectation Derivation**

Leonard was cleaning up their apartment after Sheldon's birthday and Sheldon was searching for the remnants of his Millennium Falcon cake.

"Where on earth has that cake got to?"

"Well," said Leonard, "after you tried to hide it in your room and claimed it was a lie, I put the rest of it in the fridge."

Sheldon checked again. "It's not there now. There is some leftover champagne."

"We should probably drink that," said Leonard, looking for any excuse to stop extracting bits of party popper from their floor.

"You know what alcohol does to me," said Sheldon, offering him the bottle.

-o-

Half a bottle of champagne later, Leonard was visibly happier. Sheldon had located his cake.

"Happy Unbirthday!" Leonard hugged him.

"Thank you." Sheldon hugged back.

Leonard snuggled against him. "You know, when you're not being all… well…" He looked up at Sheldon.

"Go on."

"You're very…" He blinked and looked unsure.

"Alluring?"

Leonard made odd gulping movements with his mouth. "No… well…"

Sheldon smirked. "It is no wonder that you feel that way."

"It isn't?" He let go and stared at Sheldon with a puzzled expression.

"No, Leonard. Now comes the time when I reveal my cunning plans, Watchmen-style, after the fact. Except with fewer psychic cephalopods," he added.

"I'm sorry?"

"Ah, let me explain. All this time you have been misplacing my affections for you upon Lisa. But I did not wish to reveal them unreciprocated, so I formulated a strategy."

"A strategy?"

"Yes, Leonard. If you would just let me finish." He smiled smugly. "In order to induce feelings of attachment and protectiveness in you, I decided to foster the pretence of a vulnerable emotional state. Due to social conventions, this would allow me to initiate more intimate and frequent interactions with you without fear of rejection. Studies have shown that physical contact increases levels of oxytocin, leaving you relaxed and affectionate in my presence. Repeated efforts led to conditioning in which you associate my company and closeness to me with contentment and the alleviation of my anguish. Eventually this response manifested itself as infatuation."

Leonard stared at him, his mouth open.

"Any questions?"

Leonard gaped some more before replying. "So this was all… engineered?"

"Oh, Leonard. Of course it was. To the letter."

"You… tried to engineer my feelings?"

"Successfully, I might add."

Leonard spluttered and waved his hands about. "You- I-"

Sheldon gazed at him intently.

"Okay, well, maybe a little, yes. But not just that- you took advantage of my guilt. You made me organise my room to your standards. You made me sing that stupid song every night. The other day you made me drive 20 miles out of my way to get the right type of mayonnaise."

Sheldon waved Leonard's protestations off with a flick of the wrist. "The material gain was just a fortuitous co-product. What I really needed was your sympathy. Lisa and her excruciatingly irksome boyfriend were practically dropped into my lap by the Fates."

"So you didn't have a thing for her? What about all the poetry? And the gravity stuff?"

"Deliberate sabotage, Leonard: in case she was having difficulties in her relationship and needed a kind and handsome man to shoulder her burden, I needed to ensure that she was thoroughly put off. It was helped along by my pathological inability to lie, but really, even I could have done a much better job. I'm surprised you didn't realise I was faking."

Leonard raised an eyebrow.

"But perhaps my brilliance exceeds even my comprehension." Sheldon mused for a second.

"God, you're like some kind of evil mastermind…"

"I believe it has already been proven that I am of superior intelligence. 'Evil' is of course a subjective descriptor, but I rather feel that I have done us both a favour by deflecting your affections towards a more attainable partner than you usually attempt to solicit."

Leonard waved his arms around, exasperated. "I… I feel violated, except not…"

Sheldon observed him. "While my actions have been somewhat disingenuous, might I draw attention to the fact that your support of my hypothetical interest in Lisa and subsequent attempts to assist me were instrumental in providing the necessary mixture of-"

"You know what," interrupted Leonard, "I think I need to be alone for a bit…" He rushed to his room and hastily shut the door.

"Hm." Sheldon sat down and took out his notebook. _Leonard very confused, but if he will be so easily manipulated he should be wary of these things._ He picked up a leftover piece of birthday cake and started munching on it._ Unexpected response, but not insurmountable._

"By the way, this cake is excellent, Leonard!" he called.

"Thanks!" came the reluctant voice from behind the door. "It's my own recipe!"

Sheldon beamed and continued writing. _Definitely not insurmountable._

-o-

A/N: In no way did I spend a long time wondering whether it would be easiest to make a Millennium Falcon, Enterprise, Galactica or Serenity cake. Nope…

-o-


	8. The Coral Lily Corollary

**8. The Coral Lily Corollary**

Knock knock knock. "Leonard!" Knock knock knock. "Leonard!"

"Go away, Sheldon!"

"You need to have some sustenance, or you'll be in for some unfortunate dehydration tomorrow," he called through the door.

"I didn't drink that much," replied Leonard grumpily.

"I have water. You must be thirsty. And some cake."

Leonard opened the door slightly. "Well, it is good cake." He let Sheldon in.

Sheldon attempted to make his eyes as big and puppy-like as possible. "I didn't enjoy our altercation, Leonard."

"Yeah, well… neither did I." Leonard took some cake and chewed it thoughtfully.

"I realise my methods may have come across as extreme, but the feeling behind them was sincere."

Leonard sighed. "Yeah. I should have realised you were just… being you. This is actually kind of flattering, in a bizarre, endearing and… possibly disturbing way."

Sheldon grinned. "I'm glad we've resolved our differences. I have something to give you." He went back out to fetch something.

"Here," he said, handing Leonard a pot. "It's a coral lily."

"You brought me… a plant."

"I understand it is traditional to give flowers to those whom one has less than honourable intentions towards."

Leonard examined it. "But… there aren't any flowers."

"While it is traditional to give a bouquet, I thought it would be far more practical and cost-efficient to get a hardy pot plant. The flowers will bloom if the plant is given due care. I know how you value cost-efficiency, Leonard."

Leonard conceded that he probably did. Sheldon smiled and produced a ukelele, seemingly from nowhere.

"You're lucky Howard's not around," said Leonard.

"I wrote you a song. I understand that is also a traditional romantic gesture." He sat on the bed and started to strum. "Forgive me for the poor scansion, but it was somewhat impromptu." He cleared his throat.

"I'm not really coherent; you could say I'm out of phase.

Like observed subatomic particles, I go round in a haze.

Like two wires with currents flowing in the same direction

Our mutual attraction gives me-"

"Sheldon…"

"…room for introspection.

I made moves to try opposing all the changes in my system

But my induced field has failed me; it appears that I have missed them.

Just like promoted electrons, my state is most excited;

If you feel the same as me, then I would be delighted.

Like the scalar to my vector, I know you'll never cross me…"

He stopped abruptly. "I couldn't find a rhyme there, but I think you understand my point."

"That you shouldn't quit your day job?" said Leonard. Sheldon looked down, disheartened. "That we should make like carbon-14?"

Sheldon screwed up his forehead in confusion. "And decay in a spontaneous and random process?"

Leonard shook his head, smiling. "And date."

"Oh. I think, though, as carbon-14 is used only for dating on a relatively short time scale, I would prefer it if your analogy instead made use of rubidium-87."

"Sheldon?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up," said Leonard, and kissed him.

**THE END!**

-o-

A/N: Sorry about the physics overload. You'd have thought carbon-14's half-life of 5700 years would be enough, but what can I say, they're in love…


End file.
